Monday, July 27, 2015


I am 6'3" and I have never been fat. I have no idea what it is actually like to be obese or have weight problems. That does not stop my brain from thinking that when it sees my body that it is a giant blob. I vividly remember back in, probably, my Junior year at Purdue weighing myself and weighing around 195 lbs. That is the most that I have ever weighed and from that moment I think I shifted into high gear to lose weight. That moment was before I went to Russia, I lost a little weight before I went to Russia dropping to about 185-ish lbs, then while I was in Saint Petersburg and discovered the idea of walking every where and biking I dropped about 10 lbs to around 175. Upon returning my diet had shifted I began to eat more vegetables and less meat. After graduating from Purdue I most likely was in the range of 175-185 lbs. I got a job at Purdue the summer before moving to Minnesota and biked to work (usually, with my coworker). I stabilized around 170-175. The thought of being fat still did not go away. After moving and living in Minneapolis/Saint Paul for 2 years I went through losing weight cycles. I would drop 5 lbs then sustain then drop 10 lbs sustain. I would always get so happy when I would lose weight. At the beginning of Sept 2013? 2014? lol don't actually remember. I weighted around 160-155. I had been unemployed for 5 months and just recently got a job at Target. the winter I stabilized around 150 was eating meat off and on and grease and ice cream. The spring/summer hit and I dropped to 145... My lowest weight has been 141 lbs. Again I will say I am 6'3". I have not been satisfied with how i feel about my body/weight. I went to therapy for a few things while i was at Purdue and body image, etc was a big topic. Right before I moved out to Seattle, I made the decision to toss the scale. I was weighing myself 5+ times a day, and getting upset if i increased. Knowing good and well that weight goes up and down during a day cycle. 

Let's get side tracked for a quick second. Why I am a vegetarian. Really it boils down to the fact for the longest time I was a pseudo-vegetarian. I would eat chicken if we went to a restaurant but that slowly shifted to just completely not being able to digest meat well.  I now will eat fish so am basically a pescotarian.

Back to the topic at hand.
Before coming to Seattle, Iceland occurred and I feel that i had pretty good control of my eating disorder while there. That may be cause i knew that i was walking 30 thousand steps daily, but either way it was controlled. Now here in Seattle, i would 10+ steps everyday usually verging on 15+. I consume 1000 on avg calories a day and think i am a whale. I want to hate food but love it.

I am to the point where i don't know which direction this is going in. I will when the quarter here starts go back to therapy etc. Like I said i know that this is all in my head, but it is hard to change something your brain sees when you look in ther mirror. I don't just think i am fat i FEEL it. On my body.

I am gong to do my best to blog my thoughts and struggles and what not to see if that will help me haha.



Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Changing themes

So I have decided that I will make this blog "To Speak Silence" specificly a Poetry and Prose blog. Thanks to all my readers and hope you all enjoy.


I am nervous for the future,
and also for your love.
I am nervous what they think of me,
and what lingers from above.

Failure always imminent,
who knows what's in store.
Nervous, nervous, nervous,
Nervous forever more.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Six days

I guess I will start here....
I will be leaving on 14th of june at around 2:30 pm form O'Hare in Chicago to embark on my journey to Russia. I will have about a 3 hour lay over in Frankfurt Germany on the flight there where Idk if i will have time walk around at 5:00 in the morning. Then set to arrive in St. Pete at 1:15 pm. I will be in a hotel for a few days going through orientation and such. I will then get my host families address and be taken to them.
AFter 8 weeks of studying and traveling and all the other stuff, i will leave st. pete on august 11th at 5 am and have a six hour lay over in Munich Germany. Then arrive back in Chi. at 3:00 pm.. now that is everything goes through according to plan.

Keep looking for more posts i will try to update regularly.

Lots of Fun to be had soon!


Friday, May 21, 2010

Knowing Who You Are?

So over the last 2 weeks while I was at Purdue's Campus (my second semester Sophomore year) I decided that I would look into my Heritage. It is important to me, because me being a person that only knows English (fluently) it would give me more of a motivation to learn more languages. My mothers side, is from Kentucky and that goes back to who knows when before it gets to the British Isles. My Dads side is easier to trace (kinda), his dads side is harder but he dads mothers mother's father was born in Alsace, Germany (France). It is a region on the border of France and Germany and I am not sure who controlled it then. My Dads mothers side goes straight to Finland with a side salad of Germany. My dads mother (Sarah Lehto) had parents that their parents were born in Finland. Her Father (Waino Arthur Lehto) both of his parents were born in finland. His parents were Vaino Lehto and Briita Alatalo. Vaino's parents were born in Finland and their names were Emanuel Lehto and Liisa Karilaniemi. Briita's parents were born in Finland also and their names were Abraham Palowaara and Amanda Alatalo. If we go back to Sarah's mother Sigrid Kutramo, here parents were born in finland. Her father was William Kurtamo and his parents are less know about i have his father being W. Kutamoinen and the mother as Wihlemiina. Her mother was Hilda Stenberg and her father was born in Germany and named John Stenberg her mother though was born in Finland and named Sofia Waati.

I love genealogy 1) because it lets me find out more about were I am from and 2) I get to see what countries, cultures and languages were in my past.

Hope you all can find out more about your ANcestory!


Monday, March 29, 2010


Well well well... you might be saying, it has been a while. I have been pretty good enjoying this semester as much as possible. Love my Russian class. Speaking of Russian, i get to lead my section of conversation class in our song that we are going to sing for the Russian clubs concert, Really looking forward to that! Spanish is going well, I have a test Wednesday, and a composition due on Friday then on Monday of next week we have an oral test. Phonetics is Great, I just sit there and absorb as much as i can :) WE have no final in that class, (i only have 3 finals total). Communications....(BLAH) i really do not enjoy the class, i was excited though that i got a 'B' on my last speech (YAY). Philosophy is not bad, the materiel is a bit dry but doing okay so far.


Have really had insomnia the last few days (nasty i know). That is really why i am writing now, cause i am tired but so tired that i cannot sleep.

HMMMM I wonder could I translate this little post in to both spanish and russian....... LET'S SEE! (Well just spanish, my russian is not that good yet and i don't want to embarrass myself.)

~~~~ Español

Pues, se podría decir que no he escrito recientemente y es la verdad. Todos han sido normales y disfruto este semestre tanto como se puede. Me encanta la clase de rusa y también, conduciré una canción para el club de rusa. ¡¡Estoy emocionado!! Español es muy bien, tengo un examen en miércoles y una composición en viernes entonces en lunes de la próxima semana tengo un examen oral. Clase de fonética es muy bien, también. ¡Absorbo tanto como se puede, esta clase es fantástica! No tenemos un examen final en la clase de fonética y tengo solamente tres exámenes en total. La clase de comunicación, ¡Dios mío!, NO MEGUSTA. Quiero que mi profesora muera (espero que nadie lea esta sentencia). Yo recibí un B en mi oración. Filosofía no es mal, la material es aburrida.

He tenido insomnio durante los últimos dos días. Esto es por qué estoy escribiendo ahora porque estoy cansado pero estoy tan cansado que no puede dormir.

Well guys have a good nighT!!!


Thursday, March 4, 2010

The History of "You"

So I have been looking over the past few days about the evolution of the second person pronoun in indo-european languages. It is very interesting, the list below is just a few languages and their second person singular pronoun.

Russian - ты /tɨ/
Ukrainian - ти /tɪ/
Polish - ty /tɨ/
Sanskrit - tvam /tvɑm/
Hindi - तुम /t̪um/
French - tu /tu/
Spanish - tú /tu/
Italian - tu /tu/
Portuguese - tu /tu/
Latin - tu /tu/
A. Greek - σύ /su/
M. Greek - εσύ /ɛ(e)su/
German - du /du/
Dutch - jij /jeɪ/
M. English - you /ju/
Md. English - thou /θɑʊ/
O. English - þū /θu/
Romanian - tu /tu/
Swedish - du /du/
Norwegian - du /du/
Albanian - ti /ti/
Irish - tú /tu/
Welsh - ti /ti/
Hittite - zik /zik/ (in other cases Acc. /tuk/)

Very interesting (at least i think).

Two people have constructed proto-indo-european pronoun chart (remember we do not know what they actually are, these are just probable answers)
Beekes: *tuH - nominative
Sihler: *tī̆ (*tū̆) - nominative

Just something to think about :)


Sunday, February 28, 2010

one is Speaking the Silence/ можно Говорить Тишину

My head is been kinda empty the past few... well I don't know exactly how long... a while. I just know that I am restless here (Purdue). It is probably do to the fact that it is Spring semester and that it hardly has any breaks. I just don't feel at home anymore... (lol) not even in my own room. It is all the same... same buildings... same routine... sameness...! My roommate and I work out and exercise... that does not even help, the monotony, the stagnant waters of university. I love my Major, (russian and spanish included) It helps through the stagnant times. I love telling others about it, all the esh(es), ezh(es) and what not. All the genitive declensions, the "lisp" dialects, It is all great.

(one quick side note, I HATE MY COM. TA!!!! side not over)

I have long mondays and tuesdays, but the week gets better at the end, I will not have a good rest until....maybe a week after spring break....O well....LIFE is the word....