Monday, July 27, 2015


I am 6'3" and I have never been fat. I have no idea what it is actually like to be obese or have weight problems. That does not stop my brain from thinking that when it sees my body that it is a giant blob. I vividly remember back in, probably, my Junior year at Purdue weighing myself and weighing around 195 lbs. That is the most that I have ever weighed and from that moment I think I shifted into high gear to lose weight. That moment was before I went to Russia, I lost a little weight before I went to Russia dropping to about 185-ish lbs, then while I was in Saint Petersburg and discovered the idea of walking every where and biking I dropped about 10 lbs to around 175. Upon returning my diet had shifted I began to eat more vegetables and less meat. After graduating from Purdue I most likely was in the range of 175-185 lbs. I got a job at Purdue the summer before moving to Minnesota and biked to work (usually, with my coworker). I stabilized around 170-175. The thought of being fat still did not go away. After moving and living in Minneapolis/Saint Paul for 2 years I went through losing weight cycles. I would drop 5 lbs then sustain then drop 10 lbs sustain. I would always get so happy when I would lose weight. At the beginning of Sept 2013? 2014? lol don't actually remember. I weighted around 160-155. I had been unemployed for 5 months and just recently got a job at Target. the winter I stabilized around 150 was eating meat off and on and grease and ice cream. The spring/summer hit and I dropped to 145... My lowest weight has been 141 lbs. Again I will say I am 6'3". I have not been satisfied with how i feel about my body/weight. I went to therapy for a few things while i was at Purdue and body image, etc was a big topic. Right before I moved out to Seattle, I made the decision to toss the scale. I was weighing myself 5+ times a day, and getting upset if i increased. Knowing good and well that weight goes up and down during a day cycle. 

Let's get side tracked for a quick second. Why I am a vegetarian. Really it boils down to the fact for the longest time I was a pseudo-vegetarian. I would eat chicken if we went to a restaurant but that slowly shifted to just completely not being able to digest meat well.  I now will eat fish so am basically a pescotarian.

Back to the topic at hand.
Before coming to Seattle, Iceland occurred and I feel that i had pretty good control of my eating disorder while there. That may be cause i knew that i was walking 30 thousand steps daily, but either way it was controlled. Now here in Seattle, i would 10+ steps everyday usually verging on 15+. I consume 1000 on avg calories a day and think i am a whale. I want to hate food but love it.

I am to the point where i don't know which direction this is going in. I will when the quarter here starts go back to therapy etc. Like I said i know that this is all in my head, but it is hard to change something your brain sees when you look in ther mirror. I don't just think i am fat i FEEL it. On my body.

I am gong to do my best to blog my thoughts and struggles and what not to see if that will help me haha.



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